Four years ago today, December 15th, 2011, I was inside the profile; but I was not alone. I was in the OR—operating room, undergoing an approximately four to six hour surgery. I was having that final surgery.  A lot of prayers were being sent up for me, in fact my surgeon prayed with my parents and me.  The surgery went well although there were complications during recovery. But I survived those too.

The last couple of years, my ‘anniversary’ came and went without barely a thought, but somehow this year, today; it is really on my mind. I have decided not to ignore the process and just allow myself to think about it. I am happy to be alive and well; emotionally, mentally, and spiritually now.  And I was fine after the surgery, but then I began to become very sad.  I started to realize I would really never carry a child now that I had that final surgery.  Before the surgery, although I was having a lot of physical problems, I told myself I still had a chance. But the surgery was a finalization.  And that finalization hit me in a delayed reaction kind of way.

I had to eventually visit a psychologist after constantly crying for days and not knowing how to stop it.  He eventually told me that I was grieving a loss, and that was when the light bulb went on for me! I was not allowing myself to grieve because I didn’t know I was grieving. I did not know I could grieve something I never had.  And on top of all of that, I had stopped praying.

Bottom line, I have been on a journey.  And I know millions of women around the world have been on the same or similar journey.

Inside the profile with me, whether I felt it or not at the time, was Jesus. Yes, what I went through was almost unbearable, but I survived.  God was with me, and He knows my end to my beginning and my beginning to my end.  Check out my logo! You will see someone in the profile!  He is always in the profile.

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